Writing about my life has been great therapy for me in the past. And this is why I’m writing about this.

I’m not living the greatest life at the moment.

Most of you know me as optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and an everything will be all right-sort of guy. It’s tough to feel like that these days for me.

As some of you may know, I just had a car accident last Tuesday. As far as accidents go, it wasn’t that major. At least, it wasn’t totaled is what I’m saying.

What has become major, though, is my mindset.

It’s tough not to feel afraid about being on the road at the moment. If what happened to me can occur at any given moment, who’s to say that it won’t happen again tomorrow or next week?

It seems silly to think about it but I can’t help but think this way. My mind reacts like that.

Unfortunately, this was not my first car accident. It was actually my third. But the second one was traumatizing enough that it took me two months after the accident to start driving on the freeway again… and that I always think about the anniversary of that event (October 14, 2004 will never leave me). I always felt that one more thing that went wrong in that accident would’ve gotten me killed. And because of that Tuesday, I actually remembered a near-death experience in 2002 that I had forgotten.

What’s even worse is that before that accident, I was already having some anxiety attacks that I never had before the summer started. I’m still shaken over the death of a good friend from last year (I still miss you, Colleen). A friend that I played basketball with since high school died on the court last spring. And then two more relatives in the Philippines died a few weeks ago in different circumstances in consecutive days. I seeked therapy after that happened and I thought I was feeling better until the accident.

(And I didn’t even talk about the fear of being profiled AND mother nature going on a rampage in this country. Those definitely don’t help.)

I just want everything to be where it was for me. I just want to be able to write about basketball without thoughts of disaster interrupting. I just want to be able to do podcasts without having to feel so paranoid about everything.

I do have some of the support of some great friends and great people. Unfortunately, this is where I also find out who my real friends are. But at this point, any support would be great because I don’t want to have to feel like I’m going through this alone.

This fight is just beginning.

8 thoughts on “Mindset

  1. Rey! You’ve been through some tough stuff. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. We all have at some point felt the same when life hits us in the gut. Its really hard and scary. Just know this. Awesomeness is on the other side of these challenges. You gotta believe it. It’s there man. Great stuff is ahead. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but these challenges are going to make your future successes that much sweeter. Things will work out. Just give it some time. All the best sir!

    1. Hey, Dave. I really appreciate you giving me this message. Sometimes, the mind just overwhelms. It’s really tough and I hope I can get through this hardship. But your encouragement will make it easier on me. Thanks so much and you don’t know how much this comment means to me.

  2. You WILL get through this! Rey, I’m calling it. You’re not only going to persevere, you’re going to dominate on your next step! Book it! Of course, I’m happy to help! You’re a good guy who deserves happiness and you’ll get it soon. Step-by-step man. Step-by-step.

  3. There once was a gal pal you knew as a friend through Twitter and Facebook. You knew her as a sometimes saracastic, funny, and hopefully kind person. You may have seen her post photos where everything looked fine. Happy, even. You may have read about her struggles with depression and how she managed.
    Here’s what you haven’t read: I am that gal pal, and I attempted suicide on July 19, 2017. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. At that moment, it was impossible for me to want to be around myself. I’ve made slow improvements, but I can’t say I like myself a lot right now. I think one of the hardest things to accept is that life is fleeting. The joke in my mind is always that I failed at suicide but I could walk outside and get hit by a bus and wouldn’t that suck. (My therapist also laughs when I say this).
    I’m telling you all of this because I care about you and I understand it’s a struggle working through trauma. It’s also hurtful when family members don’t empathize. Everything that is going on with you right now is a collective amount of trauma and only time and if you’re open to it–therapy, will get you on a path to healing. None of it is a cure-all, but you’re not alone. Every day you get through is a victory, you know? When we do meet in person someday, I’m giving you a big hug.

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time. I absolutely had no idea about July 19th as I was tending to my own issues then as well. I am currently taking therapy and it has helped me through the tough times. I’m glad that friends are going to be with me for our usual Sunday good times but I’m also hoping I can get through this little test of being on the road. Because even that regular thing is putting fear on me right now.

      I hope we do meet in person sooner than later. Please stay in this world. I care very much for you, gal pal.

  4. It’s tough, and there’s nothing wrong with letting everything (emotions, thoughts, etc.) settle in. The hardest part is not letting them control you. The unfortunate reality is that we all one day need to face a bullet with our name on it. Sometimes, with some luck, the deed is done quickly. For some unfortunate ones the pain is excruciatingly slow. Regarding the latter, the best thing you can do is just face them. It’s not easy, but life just seems to have a higher purpose (compared to the former). I hope you get through this shit.

    1. I somehow missed this comment. You were put in the Spam column.

      It is hard to take control. These days, anxiety has taken over me and I’m trying my best to control that part of me. I understand that it’s not going to ever go away. But I have to do my best to not get it to the point where it makes it harder for me to do daily tasks. Easier said than done.

      Thanks so much for the encouragement.

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