It’s a roller coaster for me. I’m up. I’m down. I’m up. I’m down. I toss. I turn. I toss. I turn.

Today, I woke up to some NBA news. I was immediately tense when I learned that (I will NOT mention his name because we already know who we’re talking about) the cretin-in-chief “disinvited” Stephen Curry and the Golden State Warriors. How can you invite someone who said he didn’t want to go, anyway? It’s like the jerk that wanted to go out with this woman and when the woman said she didn’t want to go on a date with him, the guy would retort, “Well, you’re ugly, anyway! Bitch!” By the way, that assface also called out players in the NFL kneeling during the anthem “sons of bitches.”

I’m still tense. But now I’m fighting back on everything. This is the same idiot that said there were very fine people in the white supremacist side of Charlottesville. Why would I be down with a so-called president who basically endorses the elimination of everybody except white people? So no. I’m not cool with that life.

Of course, I’m scared. I’m not white. But I’m more worried about my family and friends who are in more unfortunate positions. I’m especially worried about my young nephews and nieces who are still children that are growing into this world. I want them to live in a better place but right now, it’s ENCOURAGED by that poor excuse for a human being that it’s okay to pick on someone who isn’t white. I don’t want my nephews and nieces to face that.

And that’s the stupid thing. Everyone’s just like, “YEAH! REPUBLICAN! DEMOCRAT! INDEPENDENT! WHIG PARTY! FEDERALIST!” It’s not about politics. It’s about humanity. That idiot is a white supermacist. He sure came down hard on Jemele Hill, Colin Kaepernick, and Stephen Curry but not on those Nazis.

I haven’t watched a full NFL game this season. But they can make a statement tomorrow. Sports leagues have a lot of power but especially the NFL. There could be some shift if most of the NFL players kneel on the anthem. Especially Tom Brady.

The NBA is the most socially aware of all the sports leagues here. I’m glad Curry and LeBron James (U BUM) are using their platforms to voice their concerns. Gosh. Right now, I would rather “stress” over the Oklahoma City Thunder/New York Knicks trade. But obviously, there are WAY more important things at hand.

Again, it’s NOT about politics; it’s about treating each other equally as humans. Unfortunately, we’re pretty far from that because, chances are, people are stupid more than half the time.

For now, we’ll keep fighting. And I’m fighting so many battles as is.

As for my personal battle? I’m still tense. I didn’t take to the road but I did take a nice long brisk walk around town. It was nice. I was hoping I would run into In-N-Out Girl.

Taking a walk and… now I’m drooling.

A post shared by Rey-Rey (@thinkreyrey) on

I still hurt all over. Even with a little elliptical and some stretching (yoga). I had flashbacks (different this time!) of when I was playing basketball regularly (yes, I was once an athlete). It’s almost hard to believe that I was once this hyper guy and bouncing all over the place. When I was younger and was in shape, that is. I tried jogging down the block and my knees just hurt badly. This is how it feels to be washed, as the kids would say.

I think I’m taking to the road tomorrow so today might have been a break from constant anxiety. So tomorrow is a test.

In other news, I meditated for 10 straight days:

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I don’t know what to expect tomorrow. I could be completely down again. Or I could be on the up and up for the second straight day.

That would be nice.

I wish today was an improvement.

I was a lot more anxious about today. I had talked to one of my gal pals, Joanne, about how I’m missing out on a few things. Being the wise individual that she is, Joanne told me to continue to take it one day at a time and just let things flow.

The thought of missing out on a few things probably caused me to be like this. Also, the thought of being left behind crossed my mind as well.

Left behind. Missing out. That’s where I am. I know I have to go on my own pace. But I also don’t want to miss a thing. (I don’t want to close my eyes.)

I’m still feeling nervous. I’m about to call my friend about having lunch/dinner tomorrow or something to put myself at ease.

Meditation wasn’t easy today. I was a bit distracted because I was just shaking while trying to sit still.

I was going to skip writing today because I felt I had been a bit repetitive of writing about how I’m doing. But obviously, with the way I felt today, I had to write it down.

I hope I have strength to snap out of it. And sit down and write these two other hoops articles I wanted to put out this week. I hate that this is pretty much affecting my whole life. It’s really not as easy as people think it is.

Medication might be an answer. I don’t want to resort to it but I might have to.

Today was a lot easier on me.

Don’t get me wrong; my shoulders still feel tense. But other than breathing difficulties, I did okay today. Now I know why people breathe through paper bags. I don’t do it. Yet. But I may have to do that in the future if this continues.

I did a bit of stretching and the elliptical today. And of course, my usual meditation, which has become part of my day now. I’m starting to feel a little more normal although the big test continues to be how I would feel on the road whether I’m a passenger or a driver.

I talked to said friend from yesterday who is also going through a rough patch (that’s an understatement). Honestly, talking to her felt good for the both of us. We actually had travel plans for next month but I am in no shape to travel at the moment. Until I can feel normal on the road again, I don’t think I’ll be doing any traveling.

And even then, flying is stressful to me no matter what shape I’m in.

A couple more people (I hadn’t talked to one of them in years, really) checked in on me and I can’t put into words how wonderful that felt. I usually pride myself on keeping in touch with some people but I didn’t do a very good job with this woman. Anyway, I need to do a better job in reaching out as well.

In between all of this anxiety being on the road, my class reunion is coming up real fast. It’s on October 13th (the 14th of that month is what I dread). I helped organize a couple of get-togethers with a few people in our class. My plan to attend Lakers Media Day isn’t going to happen; I’m sad about that. But I am looking forward to attending this class reunion. It’s going to be good for me. I came away feeling so great after those get-togethers with a few of my classmates in the last few months.

I feel like I’m taking life back. How so? I’m actually talking about things that don’t have anything to do with my mental health.

But I’m not going to force anything. I’m going to keep letting it flow.

For now, though? Breathe in. Breathe out.

I am upset. And being upset is not good for my health.

I learned that a friend just went through a rough and scary time. I wanted to lash out so bad but I knew that by doing so, I’d probably melt down and I’d probably get some sort of heart attack or whatever. My body isn’t equipped to dealing with anger especially in the last few years. It’s why I just hold back a lot of the time (and it’s why people see me as “laidback”).

It’s not just that but it’s tough to avoid the news. That thing that is running our country continues to ruin things. If you have some sort of common sense, you know what I’m talking about. And him being inside the White (Supremacist) House have encouraged the stupid. Ugh.

I guess the good news is that I didn’t get to the point of wanting to throw and smash stuff inside my room. Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I did something like that but once again, I always feel getting super angry and stressed is not good for my (anyone’s) health.

It was my fourth straight day of driving. My stomach was turning, my heart was beating fast, and I was still breathing hard. I almost feel like there’s no end to this.

But to me, there was one breakthrough. My hands are back to my usual driving style (I tend to have my hands on the lower part of the wheel for the most part). So there is that.

I still see the road as dangerous, though. I mentioned last night that my friend, Nick, picked me up and we went to Monterey Park to hang out with Beerman. It would be my first time on the freeway since my accident. I was still nervous but felt a bit at ease as there was surprisingly little traffic (and fewer cars!) on the freeway. And of course, Nick got off some jokes that got me more in my comfort zone. Yes, kids. The jokes were of the Kevin Durant variety because we’re hip to the NBA world, ya know.

As for my opinion of this entire Durant thing (I’m not going to write a dissertation at TNLP because there is no need to for me), everyone has insecurities. And he wants to be liked. Just like we all want to be liked.

As I write this, I feel like I’m going to vomit. It’s so weird. The body and mind just function in strange ways.

Anyway, part of the reason why I didn’t get volatile today? Well, I made it through one week of meditation through Headspace.

I sound like an advertisement, I know. But it’s really helped me through these tough times.

I’ll just keep repeating to myself. Better days are ahead. Better days are ahead.

Especially to this country because my goodness, does it need them.

At this point, I’m like a broken record. I drove for the third straight day but I’m still hyperaware of everything. Lot of sweating. Lot of hyperventilating. I was super tense. I didn’t cry, at least.

The different thing today has something to do with my body. Over the last few days, my right elbow had increasingly become sore. I added that to my list of ailing body parts; I already have back, neck, and knee pain. The back still bothers me the most. Different areas of my back have pain seemingly every hour. It’s manageable but it’s annoying as hell.

My friend has invited me out. He’s picking me up in about an hour and it’ll be my first time on a freeway since the accident. I already hate being on the road. That’s why I’m going to be on it for a good 40 more minutes in a bit. Ugh.

The funny (is that the right word to use?) thing was that my accident two weeks ago (it felt like eons ago) happened on the surface streets. Three blocks away from home. So should I actually worry about the freeway?

Back in 2004 (yeah, I keep bringing it up), my accident happened on the freeway (near the end of 710 North). It happened in October and I didn’t drive on the freeway again until December. But I did go on there as a passenger and I was petrified. My then-girlfriend would hold my hand while I was in a car for like a month or so.

I have no hands to hold here this time around. That’s why I said this one seems a little harder to deal with than 2004.

But this is what I have to do. If I have to move on, I have to face fear instead of letting it take over me.

Thanks, Eleven.