Writing about my life has been great therapy for me in the past. And this is why I’m writing about this.
I’m not living the greatest life at the moment.
Most of you know me as optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and an everything will be all right-sort of guy. It’s tough to feel like that these days for me.
As some of you may know, I just had a car accident last Tuesday. As far as accidents go, it wasn’t that major. At least, it wasn’t totaled is what I’m saying.
What has become major, though, is my mindset.
It’s tough not to feel afraid about being on the road at the moment. If what happened to me can occur at any given moment, who’s to say that it won’t happen again tomorrow or next week?
It seems silly to think about it but I can’t help but think this way. My mind reacts like that.
Unfortunately, this was not my first car accident. It was actually my third. But the second one was traumatizing enough that it took me two months after the accident to start driving on the freeway again… and that I always think about the anniversary of that event (October 14, 2004 will never leave me). I always felt that one more thing that went wrong in that accident would’ve gotten me killed. And because of that Tuesday, I actually remembered a near-death experience in 2002 that I had forgotten.
What’s even worse is that before that accident, I was already having some anxiety attacks that I never had before the summer started. I’m still shaken over the death of a good friend from last year (I still miss you, Colleen). A friend that I played basketball with since high school died on the court last spring. And then two more relatives in the Philippines died a few weeks ago in different circumstances in consecutive days. I seeked therapy after that happened and I thought I was feeling better until the accident.
(And I didn’t even talk about the fear of being profiled AND mother nature going on a rampage in this country. Those definitely don’t help.)
I just want everything to be where it was for me. I just want to be able to write about basketball without thoughts of disaster interrupting. I just want to be able to do podcasts without having to feel so paranoid about everything.
I do have some of the support of some great friends and great people. Unfortunately, this is where I also find out who my real friends are. But at this point, any support would be great because I don’t want to have to feel like I’m going through this alone.
This fight is just beginning.