Frustrations and Silver Linings

Sometimes, I feel some people don’t understand what I’m going through. My life in the last five weeks? Not particularly great.

So I had mentioned a couple of days ago that I get fatigued easily. I had been told to limit my cardio for the next couple of weeks or so. My body (and mind, too; I’ll get to that later) had been weakened so much over the last month that the best for me, once again, is to take it easy. I’m probably only doing elliptical for a 10-minute session; enough to get me a sweat. Or a walk around the block is good enough. Again, I have to catch my breath after enough activity. It’s not fun having to gasp for air.

Yesterday was a great example. Nala (you remember that dog) inexplicably escaped and went all the way out to the end of the block. My first instinct was to run after her. Of course, I realized immediately that I couldn’t run. I stopped for a second and started hyperventilating. I held on to my chest, hoping something disastrous wasn’t gonna happen. Nala ended up being caught by my sister-in-law and she returned safely to the house. But this is the mode I’m in right now.

I’ll say right now that my current support system is fantastic. Some friends from the anime community, the NBA (and Twitter) community, high school friends, and family have all been great.

However, some friends that I deemed pretty good to me (and in turn, had mentioned that I was in their inner circle) have NOT been great. Again, I knew that I was going to find out in this ordeal who my real friends or/and the good people were in my life. I had mentioned in my Facebook status that I wasn’t mad; I was just very disappointed. The “friends” are just a part of that.

Because, once again, let’s run through what had happened in the last five weeks.

*Car accident on September 5th. A minor one compared to my major one in 2004 (that anniversary is coming up). I immediately started having flashbacks and I had multiple panic attacks immediately after the accident.

*Bad back. I’ve been going to physical therapy since right after the accident happened. I feel like I live in that clinic.

*Anxiety attacks. Flashbacks of the major car accident. Scared of the road. Scared to travel. And sometimes, even anxious on the most regular tasks to me. I found out anxiety ran in my family.

*That probably led to high blood pressure (my weight certainly didn’t help). I was at risk for a heart attack. I went to the ER and was prescribed blood pressure medicine.

*But I DID suffer a heart attack. It’s in my EKG test but I didn’t feel it. I have yet to go to the cardiologist but I was assured I’m not in any immediate danger.

*Fatigue. I have low energy.

So I’m just limited physically. I can’t take stress that much. I am frightened to be on the road. I can’t eat what I want. My mind is messed up. I am not in an enviable position right now. It’s a fight to get back to my normal every hour.

I can’t help but feel a little bitter that I would listen to people’s problems only for them to NOT reciprocate. I don’t really want anything from friends other than to just be there. Doesn’t take five seconds to acknowledge what had happened to me. “LIKE” a status. Send a text/tweet/FB message. How hard is that?

But I know what to do. I know who I’m putting closer to my inner circle and I know who I’m taking out.

Those are my frustrations.

But with every situation, there’s a silver lining.

First off, I’m alive. I am very very grateful that I am.

Also, I’ve mentioned this before but I’ve learned to manage my time better. I meditate every day. I exercise every day. I check my blood pressure every day. There’s my physical therapy. I also have a therapist, who has been great. I even try to drive every day for some practice runs. I know that, eventually, I have to drive regularly again. And maybe at some point, I’ll regain my strength. I’ve been advised not to do my usual weights. And I HAVE been writing some basketball articles with the NBA regular season coming up. I just ask for people not to pressure me into doing things. Please be considerate of what I’ve been through as of late.

I will end it with this; to quote the great Stan Bush from the original Transformers movie soundtrack:

You can win if you dare.


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