Not that this was a new challenge but it became more prominent this week as I start to feel a little better physically. Yeah, I still get tired easier. Yeah, my back still hurts. Yeah, I still have to worry about my heart (I DO see the cardiologist tomorrow).
But this week has been all about my anxiety.
It’s really prevented me from doing the most regular tasks. I have gotten better at driving but I still get anxious a ton. I really don’t like it when cars tailgate me (in fear of getting rear-ended) or when they come out waiting at the right side (that’s how my last accident happened).
When I’m alone in the living room, I’m always looking around to see if someone was going to scare me. Or even attack me. I get very jumpy nowadays, too. This has happened more than once but during a walk, when the traffic signals yell out WAIT when you press the button for the walk signal, I literally jumped. It’s not a good feeling when you’re feeling that anxious or paranoid.
You all know I’m a talker (I get it from my family). But nowadays, it’s rough for me to talk on the phone (yeah, I still do that). I have to because I need to get tasks done but sometimes, it’ll take me a while before I actually dial a number. For fear of what? Saying the wrong thing? What wrong thing am I going to say? There’s no rhyme or reason around it. It’s just how I feel.
It’s the reason why I haven’t resumed my podcast yet. I LOVE talking to people about basketball and other things. But I just can’t muster up the courage to do so just yet. I don’t feel ready. And really, it should be part of my therapy. One day, I’ll get back to it. I also feel that NOBODY would listen to me doing a podcast anymore because there are SO MANY podcasts out there.
So yeah. Anxiety has been such a drag. I thought I was getting better after that high school reunion. I had gotten off to such a good start the day after but then I heard some stuff that was stressful and it was right back to being tense again.
I have to learn how to control this anxiety. Doing things used to be no problem. But having that car accident has exacerbated everything. I don’t like this life. But I might have to live with this for a long time.
I love you guys.