One day at a time.

I tried running because I had that flashback of being an athlete. It hurts. It hurts so much. My knees. My back. I didn’t run for very long and went back to the elliptical. But it’s so frustrating.

For most of my life, I always thought, “Hey, if I get chased by somebody who thinks I owe them money, I can outrun them no problem!” Yeah, I probably can’t outrun a turtle at this point.

I had mentioned on my Facebook account that my high school reunion was coming up. I also mentioned that I probably won’t dance because everything hurts.

I’m not afraid to admit this but I was watching an old clip of British comedienne Josie Lawrence doing a parody video of Kylie Minogue. If you must watch, here it is:

(VIDEO CREDIT: SormaNo3.)

I thought to myself, “Hey! Maybe I can still do a running man!” IT HURT. Yeah. I can’t even dance.

Anyway, my meditation didn’t go very well. I was distracted and was tense. I had so many different thoughts in my head. What I’m missing. How I’m left behind. How some people just didn’t care about my plight. Flashbacks of my close calls. Death. Yeah. It wasn’t ideal.

I was watching my usual Monday Night Raw when old friend, Mel, messaged me that he was eating at a diner two blocks away from where I lived. I hesitated about driving even if it was just a straight line down but I did it, anyway, because how often was I going to see Mel and other (new) friends?

I made the drive, had some good talks, and took this pic. I had a rare smile:

Smark life. This is basic thugonomics.

A post shared by Rey-Rey (@thinkreyrey) on

It was much needed after a bunch of negative thoughts. I wish I had that company more. I hope I can see them again as soon as I’m able to be me and travel.

Breathe in. Breathe out. I don’t even know what’s normal me anymore. I guess I’ll find out a few weeks from now.

Man. Today was REALLY up and down.

I had a good mental therapy session earlier in the morning. I already knew it was going to be a tough go on Twitter because of that creature that’s supposedly running this country got itself involved with the sports world.

A lot of people kneeled and a lot of people locked hands in solidarity. Some people can say what they want. Some people would probably want more from others. But I basically thought that a statement was made from most and I think it’s only going to get stronger.

The WNBA Finals started today. The WNBA has been doing their statement before everyone (except for Colin Kaepernick, who started it all). And they sure made theirs. I tweeted it out.

My mentions killed me. And a few of that creature’s supporters surely went after that. Of course, it got to me because my gosh. They just don’t get it. It was a bit overwhelming. It was definitely one of my most retweeted and liked tweets, too.

I had planned to take a drive to the mall. But it was delayed because my nephew and nieces showed up. My three-year-old niece, Eden, was being her very charming self.

EDEN: “You want some chips?”
ME: “Okay.”

The canister only had one chip left.

ME: “There’s only one left.”
EDEN: “Never mind. It’s mine.”

She’s such a character.

So after they left, I took the drive to the mall. That drive was fine even though I was sweating. Then I doubled back and went to get some groceries. On the way to the grocery store, a car came out of the plaza, made his right turn, and pretty much cut me off. I don’t really have road rage, per se, but this one just came out.

“DON’T DO IT AGAIN, YOU JERKWEED!”

I got a finger for my troubles. Then I just cackled to myself because when the hell did I ever use “jerkweed”? A minute later, Nickelback played on my iPod. I knew I was cursed.

Kidding. I have nothing against Nickelback even though it’s cool to hate on them. I mean, come on. Who willingly has Nickelback on their music device?

Then the next situation was really bad.

Across the street from the store was a block away where I had my accident nearly three weeks ago. Well, there was a huge accident on the other side. A huge crowd was around it and it stopped traffic. The back of the car was smashed and a motorcycle was down (I couldn’t tell if it was totaled). But there were about six or seven police cars in the scene. It was really bad.

And it felt like my heart stopped. I quickly parked and stopped to breathe. This was not what I wanted to see on my first day of a leisure drive. I probably took about ten minutes before I went in to get my groceries.

I came home and immediately did my meditation. It helped for a bit.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I still feel tense. I wish I could end this entry with jerkweed or something Nickelback-related. But right now, I’m having yet another flashback. Ugh. This can’t keep going.

It’s a roller coaster for me. I’m up. I’m down. I’m up. I’m down. I toss. I turn. I toss. I turn.

Today, I woke up to some NBA news. I was immediately tense when I learned that (I will NOT mention his name because we already know who we’re talking about) the cretin-in-chief “disinvited” Stephen Curry and the Golden State Warriors. How can you invite someone who said he didn’t want to go, anyway? It’s like the jerk that wanted to go out with this woman and when the woman said she didn’t want to go on a date with him, the guy would retort, “Well, you’re ugly, anyway! Bitch!” By the way, that assface also called out players in the NFL kneeling during the anthem “sons of bitches.”

I’m still tense. But now I’m fighting back on everything. This is the same idiot that said there were very fine people in the white supremacist side of Charlottesville. Why would I be down with a so-called president who basically endorses the elimination of everybody except white people? So no. I’m not cool with that life.

Of course, I’m scared. I’m not white. But I’m more worried about my family and friends who are in more unfortunate positions. I’m especially worried about my young nephews and nieces who are still children that are growing into this world. I want them to live in a better place but right now, it’s ENCOURAGED by that poor excuse for a human being that it’s okay to pick on someone who isn’t white. I don’t want my nephews and nieces to face that.

And that’s the stupid thing. Everyone’s just like, “YEAH! REPUBLICAN! DEMOCRAT! INDEPENDENT! WHIG PARTY! FEDERALIST!” It’s not about politics. It’s about humanity. That idiot is a white supermacist. He sure came down hard on Jemele Hill, Colin Kaepernick, and Stephen Curry but not on those Nazis.

I haven’t watched a full NFL game this season. But they can make a statement tomorrow. Sports leagues have a lot of power but especially the NFL. There could be some shift if most of the NFL players kneel on the anthem. Especially Tom Brady.

The NBA is the most socially aware of all the sports leagues here. I’m glad Curry and LeBron James (U BUM) are using their platforms to voice their concerns. Gosh. Right now, I would rather “stress” over the Oklahoma City Thunder/New York Knicks trade. But obviously, there are WAY more important things at hand.

Again, it’s NOT about politics; it’s about treating each other equally as humans. Unfortunately, we’re pretty far from that because, chances are, people are stupid more than half the time.

For now, we’ll keep fighting. And I’m fighting so many battles as is.

As for my personal battle? I’m still tense. I didn’t take to the road but I did take a nice long brisk walk around town. It was nice. I was hoping I would run into In-N-Out Girl.

Taking a walk and… now I’m drooling.

A post shared by Rey-Rey (@thinkreyrey) on

I still hurt all over. Even with a little elliptical and some stretching (yoga). I had flashbacks (different this time!) of when I was playing basketball regularly (yes, I was once an athlete). It’s almost hard to believe that I was once this hyper guy and bouncing all over the place. When I was younger and was in shape, that is. I tried jogging down the block and my knees just hurt badly. This is how it feels to be washed, as the kids would say.

I think I’m taking to the road tomorrow so today might have been a break from constant anxiety. So tomorrow is a test.

In other news, I meditated for 10 straight days:

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I don’t know what to expect tomorrow. I could be completely down again. Or I could be on the up and up for the second straight day.

That would be nice.

I wish today was an improvement.

I was a lot more anxious about today. I had talked to one of my gal pals, Joanne, about how I’m missing out on a few things. Being the wise individual that she is, Joanne told me to continue to take it one day at a time and just let things flow.

The thought of missing out on a few things probably caused me to be like this. Also, the thought of being left behind crossed my mind as well.

Left behind. Missing out. That’s where I am. I know I have to go on my own pace. But I also don’t want to miss a thing. (I don’t want to close my eyes.)

I’m still feeling nervous. I’m about to call my friend about having lunch/dinner tomorrow or something to put myself at ease.

Meditation wasn’t easy today. I was a bit distracted because I was just shaking while trying to sit still.

I was going to skip writing today because I felt I had been a bit repetitive of writing about how I’m doing. But obviously, with the way I felt today, I had to write it down.

I hope I have strength to snap out of it. And sit down and write these two other hoops articles I wanted to put out this week. I hate that this is pretty much affecting my whole life. It’s really not as easy as people think it is.

Medication might be an answer. I don’t want to resort to it but I might have to.

Today was a lot easier on me.

Don’t get me wrong; my shoulders still feel tense. But other than breathing difficulties, I did okay today. Now I know why people breathe through paper bags. I don’t do it. Yet. But I may have to do that in the future if this continues.

I did a bit of stretching and the elliptical today. And of course, my usual meditation, which has become part of my day now. I’m starting to feel a little more normal although the big test continues to be how I would feel on the road whether I’m a passenger or a driver.

I talked to said friend from yesterday who is also going through a rough patch (that’s an understatement). Honestly, talking to her felt good for the both of us. We actually had travel plans for next month but I am in no shape to travel at the moment. Until I can feel normal on the road again, I don’t think I’ll be doing any traveling.

And even then, flying is stressful to me no matter what shape I’m in.

A couple more people (I hadn’t talked to one of them in years, really) checked in on me and I can’t put into words how wonderful that felt. I usually pride myself on keeping in touch with some people but I didn’t do a very good job with this woman. Anyway, I need to do a better job in reaching out as well.

In between all of this anxiety being on the road, my class reunion is coming up real fast. It’s on October 13th (the 14th of that month is what I dread). I helped organize a couple of get-togethers with a few people in our class. My plan to attend Lakers Media Day isn’t going to happen; I’m sad about that. But I am looking forward to attending this class reunion. It’s going to be good for me. I came away feeling so great after those get-togethers with a few of my classmates in the last few months.

I feel like I’m taking life back. How so? I’m actually talking about things that don’t have anything to do with my mental health.

But I’m not going to force anything. I’m going to keep letting it flow.

For now, though? Breathe in. Breathe out.